I'm speaking my mind tonight

It is a little bit infuriating how it's always the wrong, disinterested people that I find myself drawn to. And in the very same time, it's always a different set of wrong, disinterested people that end up drawn to me. Port-Said, 2022 Yet, I believe that Allah's plan is always unexpectedly better and that one day, it will work out for the best.

 To silence it I need to get it out. It's so unfair when you put so much effort in something just to help, selflessly with no other intentions and suddenly it becomes someone else's credit. Because you're not allowed to be the face of that, being an ordinary average individual. What hurt most is that no one cared, no one noticed. (Except for one). That felt so bad. It still does.

"I got the very two characters that I believe shall not be combined together in one person, otherwise they would be paralyzed " said poor me, talking to myself. I get so easily attached, never let go. And in the same time, I can not endure stagnation, incompletely settled issues & being unproductive. Whenever a friend leaves, whether silently or vocally, I get stoned . I can't let go and I can't move on. October , and I, are naturally romantic , and the aesthetic cold breeze is giving me the chills mixed up with some really hard times. May Allah ease my heart and grant me peace.

  That subtle feeling you get when some coincidence happens and boom you got incidentally reminded of an old friend/ a past path companion/ friends that you had to part ways with . That hazy current of nostalgia mixed with some kind of a   long-waited relief about letting go.  That echoic equivocal voice inside your mind that's making its way through the rubble, gasping to hardly deliver a concept: things worked out for the best . That feeling is hybrid .  That feeling is unique .  That feeling is you.

  Black and white is only idealistic. In real life, it's always grey. To my family & friends, and every body that I dealt with once upon a time, I wanna say I am sorry if I mistreated you. I'm constantly trying to be more understanding and kind. To my friends, people that I loved the most, and hurt the most, I'll be eternally sorry. I disparately wanted to protect you, but my deeds went awry and eventually turned up against me. " I could be so blind, didn't mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind ". But " I still know your birthday, and your mother's favourite song ".

Today marks the day of the absolute truth. The day when your past conjecture come true. The day when you realize that trying to avoid the inevitable is actually just delaying it. The day when you acknowledge that you should have never followed your worldly desires and adornments. Acknowledgment 

They were never as honest as you are & were, and always will be. Here's the thing: you ought not to change tracks. You ought to choose carefully to whom you might show it.