I'm speaking my mind tonight

"I got the very two characters that I believe shall not be combined together in one person, otherwise they would be paralyzed " said poor me, talking to myself. I get so easily attached, never let go. And in the same time, I can not endure stagnation, incompletely settled issues & being unproductive. Whenever a friend leaves, whether silently or vocally, I get stoned . I can't let go and I can't move on. October , and I, are naturally romantic , and the aesthetic cold breeze is giving me the chills mixed up with some really hard times. May Allah ease my heart and grant me peace.

  That subtle feeling you get when some coincidence happens and boom you got incidentally reminded of an old friend/ a past path companion/ friends that you had to part ways with . That hazy current of nostalgia mixed with some kind of a   long-waited relief about letting go.  That echoic equivocal voice inside your mind that's making its way through the rubble, gasping to hardly deliver a concept: things worked out for the best . That feeling is hybrid .  That feeling is unique .  That feeling is you.

  Black and white is only idealistic. In real life, it's always grey. To my family & friends, and every body that I dealt with once upon a time, I wanna say I am sorry if I mistreated you. I'm constantly trying to be more understanding and kind. To my friends, people that I loved the most, and hurt the most, I'll be eternally sorry. I disparately wanted to protect you, but my deeds went awry and eventually turned up against me. " I could be so blind, didn't mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind ". But " I still know your birthday, and your mother's favourite song ".

Today marks the day of the absolute truth. The day when your past conjecture come true. The day when you realize that trying to avoid the inevitable is actually just delaying it. The day when you acknowledge that you should have never followed your worldly desires and adornments. Acknowledgment 

They were never as honest as you are & were, and always will be. Here's the thing: you ought not to change tracks. You ought to choose carefully to whom you might show it.

    Truth is I have an obsessive persona. I get attached very easily and I don't let go. That's major part of why maturity has been so hard on me lately. I intentionally am trying to somehow distance myself, from almost everyone, to avoid attachment . I am glad I could put this in words, because defining a feeling is half way through getting over it. And I have never been that clear with myself before.

H ave you ever been stuck? In whatever! Literally stuck that you could not get yourself in or out. I previously, several times, mentioned "a certain feeling" that I thought, back then, was the worst feeling ever. Physical incapability, one sided love, losing a loved one, being stressed and overwhelmed all the time, rejection and feeling unwanted.   Have you ever experienced a bizarre composite feeling that is the product of a combination of the aforementioned " blues "? Tonight I am stuck in that. No one in the crowd notices and I don't know when I am coming out. Shall I try over and over again despite all the failures? Will Allah answer my Duaa' this time soon enough? Could my stubborn unyielding standards cut me loose? Too many responsibilities, too much pressure, and I do not know a way out.