I'm speaking my mind tonight

  Black and white is only idealistic. In real life, it's always grey. To my family & friends, and every body that I dealt with once upon a time, I wanna say I am sorry if I mistreated you. I'm constantly trying to be more understanding and kind. To my friends, people that I loved the most, and hurt the most, I'll be eternally sorry. I disparately wanted to protect you, but my deeds went awry and eventually turned up against me. " I could be so blind, didn't mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind ". But " I still know your birthday, and your mother's favourite song ".

Today marks the day of the absolute truth. The day when your past conjecture come true. The day when you realize that trying to avoid the inevitable is actually just delaying it. The day when you acknowledge that you should have never followed your worldly desires and adornments. Acknowledgment 

They were never as honest as you are & were, and always will be. Here's the thing: you ought not to change tracks. You ought to choose carefully to whom you might show it.

    Truth is I have an obsessive persona. I get attached very easily and I don't let go. That's major part of why maturity has been so hard on me lately. I intentionally am trying to somehow distance myself, from almost everyone, to avoid attachment . I am glad I could put this in words, because defining a feeling is half way through getting over it. And I have never been that clear with myself before.

H ave you ever been stuck? In whatever! Literally stuck that you could not get yourself in or out. I previously, several times, mentioned "a certain feeling" that I thought, back then, was the worst feeling ever. Physical incapability, one sided love, losing a loved one, being stressed and overwhelmed all the time, rejection and feeling unwanted.   Have you ever experienced a bizarre composite feeling that is the product of a combination of the aforementioned " blues "? Tonight I am stuck in that. No one in the crowd notices and I don't know when I am coming out. Shall I try over and over again despite all the failures? Will Allah answer my Duaa' this time soon enough? Could my stubborn unyielding standards cut me loose? Too many responsibilities, too much pressure, and I do not know a way out.

  Be present. Be alive. Just be there. Observe, feel, see, and live. Life is on the ground, not on the internet. I spent a huge part of my life being the doer. The active participant in the group. I didn't allow myself to have the chance to  learn by listening & observing. I didn't genuinely listen to what people had to say; what was always there but invisible to me. And that finally is over. Has been over for months now, to me, but only came clear to my mind now. And here I am writing about it. 'The very first step to solving a problem is to identify its existence.' Precise enough. Take care of your soul. Souls are precious. They are very delicate & sensitive creatures. You have to be careful with every act that affects them.  I recently developed a new hobby which is actively observing and listening to souls. Yes, they talk. Their language is in our everyday lives! Everything you see in the street, on the internet, at home, at college, at work. All that. It...

  Under the moonlight, on the 14th, lunar calendar, every tiny thing felt just more aesthetic.